I always thought I would never get married, but everyday I hope that you will ask me to spend the rest of my life with you.

I know you wacked off on my bed because I set up my webcam and hid it. Now, I wack off to the video at night. Too bad you're getting married.

The new lady at work is probably pushing 60yrs old and she wears mini skirts. All the other girls think she's a skank, I think she's a bad ass.

I never thought I would actually get to say "I'm with the band" Thank you for making me feel cool for the first time in my whole life.

you left me for her and every month she says she might be pregnant. i laugh because she screws your bestfriend, she's sterile and you want a baby.