You are understanding, pure and kind. I am mean, selfish and ugly. How could someone like you fall in love with me? I'll never truly understand. But am grateful!

I like to call restaurants posing as a health inspector and tell them that they are due for a health inspection at the same time I plan on eating there.

I tell people i dont want to get married or have kids, because i dont think i will ever find someone who wants to marry or have kids with me

Somedays I wish I would've never married you. I blame your parents for everything you did to me, they never taught you morals. I want to beat morals into them.

My wife thinks I quit smoking two years ago but I still smoke at work everyday. I brush my teeth and gargle Listerine before I go home. Weekends are murder.