I can queef on command.

You've been with multiple men, I haven't been with any. As soon as I told you I had feelings for him, you stole him from me. Karma will get you, watch out.

I secretly wish the government had shut down, just for a month. It's like watching a trainwreck - I want to see what would happen.

Being lonely and unwanted is like being a kid in a wheelchair at a carnival.

I love you, but I think marrying you was a mistake. You just don't love me anymore. This isn't going to end well. :/