I was only born because my mother flunked out of school and had to cock-trap her physics professor into providing for her. She tried to kill me multiple times.

I'm 35 years old and I'm pretty sure I have bowel cancer. I haven't told anyone because all I want to do is walk into the woods and never return. Solitude.

I like to workout with a friend who is in worse shape than I am so I feel better about myself.

I'm Wiccan, but I don't know how to tell my ultra-Christian family. They'll think I'm a devil worshipper, which I'm not.

I was married to you for 21 years and hated you for 19 of them. Why do I still miss you?