P.S. from OP... My grandfather tortured, raped, and many numerous HORRIFYING things to me as a child/adolescent/teenager. 
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  you're right. I mixed em up. my fault! 
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  Sorry to hear that you suffered. Hope things are better for you now.
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  Raped repeatly at an early age,I suffered internal damages. I endured seven years of surgeries for if it had made me childless I would have been raped mentally everyday of my life. 
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  I always said whatever money we had i paid for in bruises. Its wierd that all the help in the world never really relieves us totally. thanks for your honesty.
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  I am so sorry to hear the horror you went through, I hope one day the nitemares end and some happiness will come back into your life. If you need to talk e-mail me at manic4u@yahoo.com. I am working thru my own abuse issues. Please let someone help you.
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