Sometimes I like to stand in the shower with my clothes on and pretend I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.

My wife has no idea that I was planning on firing a bullet into my head the night she called me for our first date eight years ago. Thank you darling.

I fantasize women wanting me because I have a huge dick. But I'm just fat with a 5 inch dick.

I act like I care,even flew 500 miles to support my sister during her divorce, but w/the exception of my wife & kids I could care less if my entire family died.

You are understanding, pure and kind. I am mean, selfish and ugly. How could someone like you fall in love with me? I'll never truly understand. But am grateful!